Thursday, January 21, 2010

Motherhood - It's dang hard!!!

So yesterday I was at my favorite little craft store by my house. I had my baby in his car seat hooked onto the part of the cart that is for kids to sit in. My 2 (almost 3) year old insisted on sitting in the back of the cart. I gave in and let him. There I am getting my fabric cut when my two year old grabs the cutting table and tries to pull the cart over to it. I think you all know where I'm going with this. Yes the cart tipped. I managed to pull the cart up while holding the car seat to save the baby, but my two year old came toppling out.

I felt awful. I didn't know weither to get mad at my two year old or soothe him because he was so shaken up. (Not shaken up enough I guess, because he kept trying to climb back in the cart). I felt like every eye on the store was on me and that moment, judging me as a mother. Looking back I still don't know what the right answer was, should I not have put the baby there? Maybe I shouldn't have let my toddler sit in the back. Maybe I should have soothed him before I got mad at him. I just know that when I left the store I was so upset I was shaking.

I feel like I internalize everything...........................is this normal? Do all mom's do this?

When we took my two year old in for stitches not knowing how he even cut his forehead .............I felt like a bad mom.
When I looked through my 8 year olds backpack this morning and realized she had a ton of unfinshed work..................I felt like a bad mom.
When were late to church.......................I feel like a bad mom.
When my 5 year old had 2 cavities ............................I felt like a bad mom.
When I realize I haven't changed my kids bed sheets for over a month........................I feel like a bad mom.
When I realize my kids have been playing the wii for way too long.............................I feel like a bad mom.
When I loose it and say things I shouldn't..........................I feel like a bad mom.
When the neighbor brings my 2 year old to the door because he somehow snuck out........................I feel like a bad mom.
When my baby is crying bloody murder while I'm trying to make dinner.....................I feel like a bad mom.


You get the picture! Everything and I mean everything makes me feel like a bad mom. I feel so blessed to have 4 wonderful, beautiful, healthy children. I really honestly do LOVE being a mom, but wow, I had no idea it would be this hard. It seems like the bad moments (listed above) way out number the times when you think, "Hey, I think I might be doing ok at this whole mom thing."

Well, thanks for letting me vent, I better get busy..............................I'm feeling like a bad mom for being on the computer.

44 comments:

Purple Quilter Queen said...

Ou poor thing! I have those moments EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Don't feel bad. My mom keeps telling me it will pass once they move out of the house! hehe Hopefully not that long. I'm sure we'll have a whole other group of insecurities once they move out! It's all good. Your children are beautiful, well loved and cared for. They know. And by the way, I would have place the kids in the same manor you had. Isn't that why they are called accidents not purposes? It'll be ok. Take care! Jenn

Christine said...

About 90% of the list you made of things which make you feel like a bad mom... I've done the exact things myself! My oldest is 21 and my youngest are 6 year old triplets... the Wii, the bedsheets, late to church... That's me, too!

p.s. The kids will remember you as a loving mother, not for all these other things that they probably don't even notice!

Hang in there,
Christine

Sarah said...

If it makes you feel better, my 3 year old got away from me and ran out into the parking lot today. It happens to all of us. No one is perfect and I hate moms who try and pretend they are. You love your kids and that is most important.

candy said...

Your list of things shouldn't make you feel like a bad mom. It should make you feel like a REAL MOM. We have all been there. I'm the most over-protective mom anyone probably knows and 2 of my girls managed to flip a w-mart shopping cart in the middle of the men's dept. It's not our fault that the carts are improperly engineered. heehee Hang in there! Live and learn and love your children. It sounds like you're doing just fine. p.s. I am not a blog stalker. I stumbled across your blog awhile back and just thought it was so cute. lol

Valerie said...

I've been there too...if we're honest, we all have!

Here's a horror story...don't know if it will make you feel better...

When Mary Catherine was 4 and Ben was 2, I got so wrapped up in her swimming lessons finale while videotaping that I FORGOT about my 2-year old for about 3-5 minutes...felt like an eternity.

When I finally removed my eyeball from said video camera and looked down, little man was GONE. I tried to remain calm and scan the pool deck quickly, but when I couldn't find him, dread filled my heart. As I began running around the perimeter of the pool area, I spotted him out of the corner of my eye...eating some kid's snack in the concession area.

O.M.G. I burst into tears. It was the most frightening parenting moment of my life...and by the way...except for my sister and now you, I'VE TOLD NO ONE!!! I felt like SRS should take my children b/c I was such a bad mom.

Like the Purple Quilter Queen said, "that's why they're called accidents and not purposes."

Blessings,
Valerie

Heather said...

I feel like a bad mom too. Quite often.

Melanie said...

I felt like a great, disciplining mother when I put my daughter in time-out for something she did. I thought she fell asleep because it got reeeeeeally quiet...
Then I felt like a total idiot mom when I opened the door do find her smearing the contents of her diaper on her walls, bed, dresser, changing table, rocking chair, blankets, hands, feet, face....

if there's a perfect mom out there, I don't want to know, because I might be resentful :)

sewmeow said...

I'm and oldie, have 3 grown kids, 4 grandkids.....and stuff happens. No guilt trips allowed...you do your best and you love your kids, play with them a lot...that's what they'll remember; the mess ya'll made making cookies, and sheet tents in the living room, tickle sessions, picnics, BD parties, dancing with them...you are not a bad mom. All any of can do during any period of our lives is try to do our best......and that's great!

Get some rest...sounds like you need a tea break...Being a mother is the most difficult and challenging job in the world. AND..it's the best time of your life.

Camille and Luke said...

I think because you're worried your a bad mom your a great mom! Hope you get what I'm saying.... :)

Cami said...

I know exactly what you mean. When Aaron finished Kindergarten, I realized I never taught him how to tie his shoes. I always bought him slip ons or velcro, so I wouldn't have to mess with it. There he was 6 years old and couldn't tie his shoes....bad mom.

a little bit biased said...

I think every mom can relate to your story of the cart tipping over, or kids getting lost at the mall, or a neighbor (or stranger) returning you kid, etc. I'm sad to say that I think all of those things happened to my kids when they were little. That same thing happened to my new baby and 3 year old (AT THE CRAFT STORE!!!) a few years ago. I totally cried when it happened and had the same feelings, a little bit of anger and a little bit of pure anguish!)You know, we do the best we can. And, it's good for kids to "cry it out sometimes" or have some sternness from a parent or whatever. Just know you're not alone and that things will get better. We're all bound to have a few rough days, but I'm sure for the most part you're doing a great job. Your kids have an amazing mother. Thank goodness they forgive so easily. Hope you have a better day!

Marie said...

Nicole . . . I could totally relate as I was reading your post. And based on all of the comments you've already gotten, it sounds like that makes us pretty normal!

But I do know that despite all of the "normal" feelings you have, you also have so many gifts and qualities that make you truly extrodinary. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mother. And I've always counted myself lucky to have you as a friend.

6p00d8341c952c53ef said...

Bless your heart! I know exactly what you're feeling because I've felt it too. I think I've done all the things you listed except not knowing about a cut that needed stitches. With me it was not thinking my daughter's arm was hurt that badly until she complained enough that I took her to the doctor the next day and it was broken!

I've often wondered why God entrusted my sweet babies to me because I can feel like such a bad mom. But you know what? Then I'll see my child do something really kind for her brother (without being asked to), or I'll hear my little 2 year old tell her cousin about Jesus living in her heart and I think that I must be doing something right. It's then that I realize that they may eat macaroni and cheese for dinner three nights in a row and they may wear a pair of mismatched socks once in a while, but they're ok because in one way I'm the best mom I can ever be to them.... I LOVE them with all my heart and they know that.

So hang in there. You are a good momma!

Stacy Doolittle said...

Ok. I just left the post above. I don't know why my name came up as a bunch of numbers!

Kelsey Kim said...

Something that always happens to every Mom, we all feel like we're bad Mom's!! Your not a mom unless you can honestly say you sometimes feel inadequate.
I try to remember that unless we feel like a bad Mom some of the time, then why would we ever try to be better? Anyways, try not to be too hard on yourself!!

Heidi said...

Nicole, I just have to tell you that I think EVERY mother feeling the way you do. It's normal! It's life! Look at it this way...
At least you take your kids to:
the dentist
the doctor
to church

and you at least make the effort to make dinner, right? Don't be so hard on yourself. You have wonderful kids, and you are a WONDERFUL MOTHER!! Love you!

Aubrey said...

Seriously?! You a bad mom? Have you met me? At least you create a clean and organized and peaceful environment for them.

I can't remember the last time I had changed my kids sheets before last week when I finally broke down.

And Mr B is going to have the healthiest lungs ever.

Oh, I actually dropped my carseat with the Rocker in it yesterday--luckily he was strapped in and I kind of broke the fall a little.

And you know what--I bet all those ladies were just REALLY glad it wasn't them--or that they don't have to deal with that stuff anymore.

Melissa said...

Yup, guilty is par for the course. (I, personally, am feeling guilty for hiding out downstairs at the computer while my two youngest are watching Sesame Street.... at least it's PBS, right?) I have four kids, too, and I swear it's that fourth one that pushed me over the edge. I can no longer finish laundry, keep floors swept/vacuumed, accomplish ANYTHING... But it goes so fast, you know? Just enjoy the moment (as much as you can) and when it is rough, just remember that some day you will have four fabulous adult children to hang out with and enjoy. Also, I blessed my son in the same outfit you had for yours- I loved it. (My son is such a tank, however, that we had to exchange his for the 9-12 month size and it barely fit his 5 week old length...)

Nikki said...

Motherhood is hard, but I think that most of the time we are too hard on ourselves. The important this is that your kids know how much you love them, and I'm sure yours know that.

dougandcheryl said...

I wonder if there are any of us that don't feel like a bad mom at least once a day (if not more). I know I do. I think that motherhood is just such an important thing. We are helping to shape people so it's natural that we worry about how we're doing and how they will end up.
But as someone above said, you love your kids (you wouldn't worry about being a bad mom if you didn't!) and I hope the love we give our kids and the special things we do for them will overshadow everything else.

LadybugLady said...

I'm so glad someone feels the same way I do! Thanks for your post. By the way, if your two-yr old is anything like my kids, the cart would've tipped over regardless of whether he was in it or not....that's just kids for you! And you just have to think that if anyone was watching you, they were probably thinking "I remember when my kids did that!"

Karen said...

I absolutely agree -- it's hard being a mom! You haven't hit the teen years yet. It's gonna get worse (as far as feeling like a bad mom). I think some of us feel so deep that we internalize everything. I know I do. My middle daughter just turned 16 and boy has she been a hard one. I sometimes feel like a failure. God knows my heart, and he knows yours. I do know that the scene in the Blind Side where the boy's mom is talking to Sandra Bullock made me feel like I am in no way a failure at all. I may not be perfect but who is? Do your best and forget the rest! Blessings!

Sherri said...

You are a great mom! We have all been there. Remind me to tell you about Micayla falling out of the cart at Walmart.

onthehilltop said...

I read this to my husband because we're expecting our first child. His response was, "She only feels that way because she's a good Mom. Bad Mom's wouldn't worry about it." He's completely right!

~melissa p. said...

Been there, done that!!! Don't feel so bad. We have all been there. As you can read from all the comments. I just want to say thank you for being so honest about it and speaking up. I try to look like I have it all together because I don't want to be judged when really all mothers have "I'm such a bad mom" moments. Like this evening the kids had eggs and toast for dinner with chocolate cake for dessert. Yes, I feel like a bad mom but at least they are fed. Just keep telling yourself they are healthy, alive, loved and well cared for and leave the rest up to God. May God Bless you and your family.

Sherri said...

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook today:

"As you create a home, don't get distracted with a lot of things that have no meaning for you or your family. Don't dwell on your failures, but think about your successes. Have joy in your home. Have joy in your children. Have joy in your husband. Be grateful for the journey." - Marjorie Pay Hinkley

Cottage In The Sun said...

I can honestly say that being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I once told my dad that it feels like I'm taking a test and someone keeps changing the questions right after I've answered them. I'm pretty sure I feel like a bad mom at least once a day!

Victoria said...

I have had so many of these moments too! I try to remember that I think I am a bad Mom more often than my daughter does.

joelandbecca said...

Not that it is any consolation but I feel like that all the time. And I only have one! I don't know how you do it! Bless your heart and keep your chin up. I admire all you are doing.

Emily@notionsonnesting.com said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you're doing the best you can. You should read this blogpost http://rtheyallyours.blogspot.com/2010/01/finding-happiness-in-times-of-despair.html
Not that I think you're in despair. This just helped me look at my feelings differently. If you know what I mean?

Jenny said...

I feel like a bad Mom all the time! Especially when I go in my room and there is a lovley note left by one of the kids telling me what an awful parent I am. I seem to get a lot of those kind of notes. It gets ten times harder when they are teenagers!

noolygirl said...

oh honey.. just know that you are in good company... you are human and that's what humans do. I bet you are a great mom! and just the fact that you feel bad and are in tune to your children's needs makes you a wonderful mom and a wonderful human being. please don't beat yourself up for being normal and human.
hugs and kisses,,,

onlymehere said...

I could have actually written your post about me! Trust me, we all feel that way. There are times I still feel like such a bad mom even though my baby is turning 17 today. She's paying $4500.00 of her hard earned money (she's making payments) just to put braces on her mouth. We paid (are paying for) the other three to have braces but just don't have any money left at ths time to do her's. Bad mom award for me. We told her some day, somehow we'd pay her back. I don't know how or when but we'll do it.

When Brianna was 4 years old she walked to grandmas without me knowing. This was 5-6 blocks and she had to cross a busy intersection at a light. I was horrified when her grandparents called me to say she'd just arrived there and they were on their way out the door to a funeral! To make it worse these were my in-laws! It really does get better as they get a little older and aren't so curious...then they become teenagers, lol! Actually the teen years can be survived as I'm living proof of! Keep your head held high, you're doing a fine job!

Kristi said...

My favorite advise (from when my kids were first born) was: They have never known another Mother but you. They don't know that someone might have done something different or better. You are their Mama and you are their world... We all have those days - but it helps to know there are others struggling with you...

Kara@ Creations by Kara said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, we all have "bad mom" days. Fortunately for us, kids tend to remember the good things. :)

Kaylie said...

Hey, Nicole. I read this link and thought of your post. I think you'll like it.

http://mormonmommyblogs.blogspot.com/2010/01/mothers-dont-have-to-be-everything-to.html

Mimi Sue said...

We all feel like that at one time or another. What's great is that when your kids get older they only can remember the good times. Not the screaming mimi times. Thank goodness. AND they cut you a lot of slack once they're parents themselves. Then they know how hard the job is. Just relax, enjoy them, they'll be grown up before you know it. Mimi

Pamela said...

So know how you feel!! I only have two but still know teh feeling! Sending hugs your way!

McKenzie Johnson said...

Just know that your not alone, we all have are ups and downs and thank goodness we aren't perfect or we would never learn! Hang in there!

Julia said...

Wow Nicole, do I know what you mean! I feel the exact same thing! And most of the time, no matter what someone else says, you don't feel better, cuz for some reason you still feel like a big fat failure...
You know what my word for the year is? Well, more a phrase..."Lift Where You Stand" by Pres. Uchtdorf.
I needed this phrase because sometimes, I just don't know what to do. Where to start. And how to be a better mother.
Now, I'm sure you're a GREAT mother. You really wouldn't worry so much if you didn't WANT to be a good mom. I know how much I want to be a good mom. I want it desperately. More than anything, I would love to have my children grow up and say that I was the best Mom that they could ever ask for. Do we make huge mistakes? Oh yeah we do! All I can do is apologize and hope to not do it again or at least not as bad...LOL!
We're not perfect...and I tell my kids that they didn't come with a book that told me exactly how to deal with this one child! And oh how different each of them are!! What works for one, won't even faze another! And having four children, is very difficult! I have 10 and I remember how hard it was at 4. And it really IS difficult at that time. I think it was worst for me at 3. I don't know why, maybe it was a bout of depression...but it was bad!
Just remember that phrase..."Lift Where You Stand". You'll do o.k. Heavenly Father knows what's in our hearts. More than we do ourselves...Lots of warm comforting hugs...Julia

Mary Ann said...

You make me feel so normal! Thanks for posting this...sometimes I think noone else feels like that. Its a great feeling to know...we are all bad moms! LOL!

Lizzie said...

Wow, bad day. I too had 4 children and it was hard. They are now all grown and live healthy productive lives. I was a single mother. My advice. Be strong, stop feeling bad. Be happy, use humor to get throught each and every day because it does help!

Lizzie

Erika said...

So glad to hear someone else say those things. I think our t.v. was on Playhouse Disney for like 4 hours today...so, that should make you feel better. I just trying to figure two kids out right now. And I LOVE the hat you made, so cute!

Marnette said...

Hi Nicole, I ran across your blog in the Walker family newsletter from last year. We just had our 3rd baby... and it has been a little rough this month. I am drained and overwhelmed and not perfect in anyway. Thanks for being real and honest. I appreciated everyone's comments. I hope you and Corwin are well... Bigs hugs.